if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
