I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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