Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
