Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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