Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
