cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize