Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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