Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
