Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize