I CAN MOONWALK!
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
