Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
