So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
