i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Randomize
