I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
well, you know. whores of a feather.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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