he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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