i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
