Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
two words: eviction party
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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