Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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