She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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