can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
