I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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