I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
