Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
