I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
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