I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
this hospital has no fireball
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
