My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
