did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Randomize
