my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
