i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize