How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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