five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
