Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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