remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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