So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
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