Im at strip club and am horny
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Randomize
