I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
