I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
