I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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