How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
