you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
