I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
