At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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