i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
