Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
