dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Randomize
