just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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