a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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