Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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