I wish they made helmets for livers.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
