I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
