Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
