I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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