yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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