hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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