omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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