Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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