i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
