You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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