Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
