I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
