i don't like sucking hair
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
