I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
