my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
