So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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