sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
