I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Randomize
