Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize